Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I didn't think it mattered.

I have a challenging relationship with my mother, I think I have missed out on many things that other daughters were able to do with their mothers. Honestly I get sad when I think about it but I am coming to realize as I get older that my mother is the one who has missed out.

I am fortunate to have someone in my life that I am able to share some of these things with her name is Irma, Nik's mom. The anticipation of meeting her the first time was so intense. It didn't help one thing that Nik had given my about two weeks notice so I had way to much time to analyze the initial meeting. My worst fear was that she would not like me because I was divorced, a single mother and that I am heavily tattooed. I must convey the amount of anxiety I was experiencing, I had gotten some Xanax from a friend to get me through the meeting.

When I met her that night, she hugged my with the biggest and most welcoming hug I'd ever had. Instantly I felt completely comfortable around her (no Xanax required), she was one of the nicest people I had ever met. She never judged me at all, not for the tattoos, the divorce or the children. I came to find out that she and I had a lot in common.

When Nik and I got home that night, I told him that I hoped he knew how lucky he is to have a mother like her. I know he does.

I have spent a lot of time with her, even without Nik. She and I enjoy sitting on her deck, drinking coffee and talking. She really listens and is genuinely interested. We have gone to the movies together. She frequently comes to our house for dinner, which I thoroughly enjoy.

Lately, we have been so busy that I had not called her. I also must admit that when I feel like I'm getting too close to someone I will hit the brakes and throw it in reverse quickly, I am terrified of getting hurt. I am the "wall up queen." Nik would tell me she said hello when she would talk to him. She called me the other day. Immediately I thought that something was wrong, she called to tell me I had not called her in a while. Truthfully, I didn't think it mattered to her if I called or not. It did though, even better than that I mattered.

I made a surprise stop by her house on my way home a day or two after the phone call. She and I just visited. I enjoy those times so much.

Times like these I have never shared with my own mother. I can not even fathom stopping by just to visit, we don't even talk on the phone. These moments are what she is missing out on, not me.

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