Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Here I Go again...

I was unaware how long it had been since my last blog post. Many things have happened, three funerals, another event causing a further rift between my sister and me, two more half-marathons, the cancellation of the full marathon in Myrtle Beach due to a snow storm, another salon location change, Nik's business booming, his fighter winning, a life changing event for a dear friend, my daughter's high school graduation...the list could go on.

Life has been a whirl wind for the past few months, almost a blur. During times whether positive or negative the realization of who my family and friends are is as evident as the nose on my face. Nik and I had such an outpouring of support in all these areas, it has been quite a rude awakening of just the transparency of the people who we thought were our friends and those I no longer consider family. The last statement is mainly from me, but I am brilliantly aware, so clearly aware that I have made the right decision is choosing my family from a broad range of friends that have supported me, no matter what the circumstance.

I digress. As is apparent through previous posts there is a plethora of underlying issues surrounding, overshadowing and frankly squeezing the freaking last blood from the relationship between my mother and me. I am at my wits end and do not understand why the hell I continue to torture myself with such repetitive choices that are, I have to remind myself, self chosen and the consequences are so often self inflicted and much to my dismay , the damage tends to be irreversible. I constantly try to make amends with my mother, and I ask myself for what, just to be smacked in the face because I will never, never be good enough in her eyes.