Monday, October 26, 2009

Call it Ingorance...I call it determination.

Maybe it's the age, the track record, call it ignorance. There seems to be a common factor between women my age, the ambition and drive to do whatever it is we decide to set our sights on.

This past weekend I have a friend who completed the Marines Marathon is DC. She completed the entire 26.2 miles but not before blowing her IT band. She did it. I am so proud of her. The enormous amount of pain endured I cannot even fathom. Her name is Rachel. Throughout her journey to complete her first marathon, she battled knee problems, bursitis, strained IT band, and terrible blisters on her feet. She completed her marathon for her children, so they would be proud of her. Her determination and guts pushed her through to the finish line. Her recovery will be lengthy but I am sure it was worth every pain she had to just finish. Pure Determination!

Recently I hurt my ankle while running. I talked to Lori about it and her answer was what anyone who has a terrific running buddy like I do would expect. She told me she would do her best to carry me across the finish line.

This weekend as she and I were doing our distance run on Saturday, Lori started to feel sick, she told me to leave her and finish. I refused. We stayed together. There was no way I was leaving her not feeling well on the road. She had battled a stitch for about six miles, I've been there, it is not fun. She didn't leave me, the thought would not have crossed her mind.

We have less than two weeks before we have our first half-marathon. Anticipation, but no nervousness is present. I am so thankful she decided to run it with me and that she is my friend.

Really I don't expect much...

I hate feeling used. I am guilty of trying to please everyone no matter the cost to me. I understand that giving is better than receiving but not when giving until being used up. Sometimes the reciprocation would be appreciated but I refuse to get excited or expect one thing as I am certain that disappointment is right around the corner.

I would assume that many of the actions stem from growing up with a distinct fear of abandonment and that pleasing my parents or whomever is around me will keep them close by and happy. I unknowingly, until I take a step back to reevaluate, realize that the vicious cycle repeats. The inevitable need to satisfy really is weighing on me especially emotionally for what reason I am not sure other than the continuous giving and feeling taken for granted.

Thinking about not allowing these actions to repeat, I feel as though I cannot prevent them. I am forever conscious of what others want and I do my best to make their dreams become realities without the same happening to me.

Frustration fills me. Really I do not expect much.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


The vivid remembrance of these things at times seem to haunt me as episodes of her life play out in my mind like a well written script of which she would be so proud.

  • The sound of her sucking on that dreadful pacifier.
  • The look of determination on her face when she was going to do whatever it was, regardless of the consequences.
  • How her little hand felt in mine as we would walk around during this time of year gathering the fall leaves to make our wax paper place mats for Thanksgiving
  • She thought she was beautiful when she had applied her play makeup and looked like a clown, but wore it all day at preschool any way
  • She wanted a party dress but was satisfied by just trying them on for hours and having a fashion show in the dressing room because there were huge mirrors
  • the way she engaged an audience outside Kaybee Toys on a keyboard with a microphone attached as she sang operatically the happy birthday song. All she needed was a hat for tips.
  • The way she and I would read in bed, she'd read a chapter until she saw that I was going to sleep. She would then ask me what she had just read. When I couldn't answer she'd make me read until the same thing happened to her.
  • The way she would perch herself in the middle of the kitchen island stirring cookies to bake
  • How once she had read a book about growing balloons and being such a literal child she wanted to plant them to see if they would grow. Of course she and I did plant balloons. While she was gone for the weekend, I blew up all the balloons and made sure they were where she had planted them. The look on her face when she got home was priceless.
  • She and I used to build fairy houses in the woods. Sometimes I still catch her looking under toadstools to see if the fairies are out.
  • How only she would put frogs and lizards in the bathtub with her, wash them with soap and let them swim.
  • That in fact her name should have been Ellie May Clampett because of her love of animals.
  • How her determination is so strong that whatever she sets her mind to she tackles and she does it with such grace that a struggle would never be seen.
  • The way she comes up with her own words, she could make a small dictionary of her creations.
  • Just the way she used to be before she grew up so much

Some days the sadness for me is so overwhelming, I do a good job hiding it, I guess. It's just under the surface, a superficial scratch away. The lump in my throat and the pain in my heart is a constant, but life goes on.

Monday, October 19, 2009

12 miles and 19 days Saturday 13!

I am uncertain what made this run so great but the twelve miles I ran on Saturday was the best and by far the easiest run I have had thus far. Elements played a huge part, the air was crisp lacking in humidity, the temperature in the high 30s, low 40s, and the sun had not risen yet. The view was amazing watching the sun come up over the horizon as we ran.

Throughout the trekking of twelve miles, we stopped three times total, two times was for just a mere thirty seconds face paced walk and once for a bathroom, water, and GU break. Believe it or not we completed those twelve miles in two hours, including the breaks. I had reached my goal. I was elated and endorphin-filled, the runner's high was in full affect. I felt like I could have run for days.

I waited on the soreness to come, it was minimal. A little ankle soreness, thutt (that is the area between my thigh and butt cheek) my swollen toe, and sore elbows. Of all the aches I have had the sore elbows have been the weirdest for me. Keeping them in one position for so long, makes the tendons tender, but its not unbearable, just strange. My body is adapting well to running distance.

I have increased my Muay Thai training and Nik kicks my ass every day. I use it as cross-training, and the non-stop intervals that Muay Thai is comprised of build up "my lungs."

Countdown has begun for my first half-marathon on November 7th - nineteen days left.

Sometimes I post times on Facebook especially if it is a milestone that I have conquered. This past Saturday was one of those days. The response was overwhelming. However one stood out more than the others.

I few years back I was in CVS on Two Notch Road, when I heard a voice that I recognized from high school. I followed the voice and it was one of my teachers who was an avid runner back in the day. He had not aged and recognized me just as I had he. We chatted for a bit and went on our way. Through the magic of Facebook, he and I connected again just a few months ago. I realized that he had switched to biking ungodly amounts of miles which is awesome but not for me.

I said all to say this, he liked my status on Saturday and sent me a message. He was proud of me. Never underestimate the power of words.

Life is good. My support team continues to grow even Irma's "got my back." Little things make a strong impact on people, I never realized how much.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Busy...but no complaints!

Lately life in general has been busy. Business at HALO salon is fantastic. Home and love life, both wonderful. Marathon training on track, back to training Muay Thai, seems as though things are coming together.

My children are growing up before my eyes. It is bitter sweet, I think about old memories that we have and new one yet to be made. Each of them is so different. My son has qualified for the Merit Scholarship and will be tested this month. My oldest daughter graduates this year and Hannah well she's just Hannah in all her glory and what I like to refer to as her Hannahisms.

Nik continues to do well with training Muay Thai out of our home gym. With MMA having just gotten sanctioned in South Carolina, I expect an influx of business for him. As hair is my passion, Muay Thai is his.

Irma, Nik's mom, remains to be the strongest woman I will ever know I am almost certain. I have only one regret with getting busier, I do not have much time to spend with her at all. I cherish the time I do have with her. I love her and best of all she loves me.

As the holidays approach I know that I will continue to get busier as I am looking forward to all the referrals that old and new clients are sending my way. For them I am ever so grateful, however I dare not forget the clients who have followed me every where I have been.

I am making new friends that live near me. New people that accept me at face value, no perceived notions. People that I have actually gone to lunch with and that a "girl's night out" is in the making too. For me both scenarios are quite different than what I am accustomed to. A most welcomed change. They just stop by the salon to being in their fathers, grandfathers, any one of importance to them to meet me. I was recently out to dinner and ran in to a group of my clients and they introduced me to everyone at the table, it means a lot to me.

Running is going fantastically. I surprise myself daily. A client posted this on my facebook wall:

Running is the classical road to self-consciousness, self-awareness and self-reliance. Independence is the outstanding characteristic of a runner. He learns the harsh reality of his physical and spiritual limitations when he runs. He learns that personal commitment, sacrifice and determination are his only means to betterment. Runners get promoted only through self-conquest. (thanks, Jen!)

Want to know what else he learns? There is only one way back to where he started and that is his own two legs. :)

Over the last few weeks as the runs get longer this realization has become a harsh one to me as well. The vast open road that seems endless and praying that the stop sign is soon in sight haven't killed me and seem to get easier to reach and overcome, believe it or not.

I have come to know that running 99.99% mental. When the "runner's high" kicks in, I feel like I could run for days.

All of that, leads to this, I have a client with an idea. Temple has the idea that I should start a running group for the girls in Lake Carolina, all different levels to get a group fitness started. She had this brilliant idea after I told her that I had a few clients that had just begun to run. I think it's a great idea as well and I will definitely put out "feelers" to see if anyone is interested.

Nik always says that I could sell salt to a slug, I am beginning to believe him. Sometimes I wish I believed in myself as much as other folks do.

For now all is well...