Monday, August 30, 2010

A comparison of the end there is not one at all!

As I woke up this morning, I am in a nostalgic mood but not of many years ago, just over the past few years I was having memories flood my mind and a smile appeared on my lips.   I was reminiscing about things that have happened

I was thinking about how I have changed as a person, inside and out. How things that bother me, bother me in a complete different way. For example, instead of being just hurt most of the times, I'm more pissed that whoever hurt me had the nerve to do so.

I am working on my self daily but my most stagnant holding back element in my life is my mother. She knows how to push my buttons in a way that no one else can. Our roles have reversed in a manner that my sister and I are her parents, literally. I will refrain at the moment from going off on the "mother tangent" but I'll just say this, among my friends with whom I share some more intimate aspects of my life, my mother won, hands down, the "Dysfunctional Mother of the Year Award." I have distanced myself from her as she has become the most toxic person in my life and has been for a long time. Yes, sometimes guilt or duty does take over and I feel obligated to call. But when I do and she answers the phone and though my number is stored in her phone, she pretends not to recognize my voice the guilt quickly dissipates and anger floods my whole being. What mother does not know her child's voice? In a room of two thousand people, a mom knows when her child says, "momma." That ranks right up there with her comment to me that she forgot I had dimples, what the hell? So her award, is very much earned.  She makes my blood boil.

All I can say is thank goodness for Irma.  I'm certain she was sent to me as much as her son was.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and on the same token people enter our lives at exactly the appropriate time.  She has been god sent.  I feel so fortunate to have in as a huge part of my life and my children's lives.   She has helped me realize that a mother figure can be something positive.  I could go on for days about Irma, but I won't.  She has by far to date been one of the most influential people in my life, just by being herself not for any other great reason other than she loves me for who I am without question.  In all honesty, the preceding reason is the only one I need.

Last Saturday I get a phone call from Irma.  I answered she asked me what I was doing in forty minutes.  When Irma is concerned any time frame like that involves food or coffee.  Well I had mentioned that I had loved bacalaitos that she had made before, well Nik told her so guess what, she was making them for me and didn't want them to sit and get cold.  So we showered and Nik and I went over to her house to eat lunch.  I love those things and could probably eat my weight in those and her pigeon peas and rice too.  While Nik and I were eating we told her that we would love it if she came over to the house and used the exercise equipment if she'd like.  She has taken us up on the offer and has lost three pounds in her first week.  She has been consistent and I am so proud of her.  I told her I need her to be around for a long time, so her journey to a healthier lifestyle has begun. 

I am aware that Irma is not my mother, but she is there for me as if she were.  There is no comparison between the birth mother and Irma.  I am so thankful that she is such a huge part of my lives and that she loves me no matter what. 

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