Thursday, November 5, 2009

ISO of a Christmas Gift

Yesterday, just out of the blue, I receive a text from my mother. Random I thought but then I remembered that it is almost time for the holidays. The realization that the only that I am contacted is her search for a Christmas gift which is truly sad and pisses me off to no end.

Since I have been an adult who was not struggling and doing okay for myself, she has expected some grandiose Christmas gift or gift for any occasion. Don't get me wrong I am probably the most giving person, I will give until there is nothing left to give but in her case I have stopped. I do not appreciate that being the only contact with me is to acquire a gift then the rest of the 363 days a year I am again invisible, non-existent, and unimportant to her. I say 363 days because, that includes her birthday, Christmas and Mothers Day which is the biggest joke of all.

Repetitively, I have tried to reconcile my relationship with her to no avail. Any time I have tried anything that I ever had done to not please her is and has been thrown into my face like pies. I cannot do it, she is toxic. Many times whether with her hand or her words that are like double edged swords she has hurt me. I must add that on numerous other occasions I have tried talking things out with her but again I received the response that she didn't know what I thought she had done to me but she had done nothing. I guess it is sad that I have to write it off as her loss. Though many times in my life the Blame Game as reared it's ugly headed and I take all the blame for our failed relationship as it must be all my fault.

I have been blamed for so much by her. It was my fault that my dad left her. It was my fault because he couldn't handle that I had my daughter when I was 17. It was my fault that my marriage failed. My fault that she took my ex-husband's side over mine. My fault that I suffered from an eating disorder so mush so that I had to be hospitalized more than one which stemmed back to her telling me I was fat at age 10. By that spring I was in the hospital for the first time with pneumonia due to not eating, I weighed 68 pounds. It has always been my fault that she was non-supportive at any aspect of my life. Instead of saying that I could do anything that I wanted in my life I have been told on more than one occasion that I am an embarrassment and that I would in fact never amount to anything. Never once, not once in my life has she said that she was proud of me. NEVER. Not even when I made straight A's, succeeded in anything I attempted, and made it on my own without help from anyone. NEVER.

It makes things bitter sweet as I am so happy that she cannot take credit for a damn thing I have done, succeeded at or am currently working toward. Nothing - she cannot say she supported me in any way and if she does say it, she is lying.

I have to move on as I get really agitated at the situation and the lack of change within it. I guess I have to accept it and move on.

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